making myself post.

I'm going to force myself to post on this right now even though I really don't want to, and I don't even want to admit how I'm feeling right now.
Bottom line: I need to seek mental health guidance again. I think I've put off this search for too long since graduation, as I knew it could be a long and awkward one. But I simply cannot let myself slip any further. It's unacceptable to be living life the way I do. I have so many loving people in my life and more than enough material things to keep me busy. Too much of my life is spent ignoring things that are happening, I'm too busy trying to escape. Who wants to live like that? Everything is passing me by and nothing has even happened yet. How do I move beyond this point?

:(

feeling very down.

living simply.

I'm finding it so hard to live simply with all these new technological advances that bring us insane gadgets. I always want whatever the 'new thing' is and never get it. Like an Iphone, or a new digital camera or a Wii. Or the palm pilot I barely use. Or the keyboard piano I barely use.

I feel like I'm getting obsessed with material things a bit even though I know just because I get it doesn't mean it will fix all my problems! After ordering a new purse and wallet (that I got for a deal, mind you and I needed something new!) I thought I'd feel better about...whatever it is that's getting me down. Of course I don't feel any better! I feel stupid is more like it.

I am quite sure I'm getting a Macbook through my wonderful cousin who works for Apple. Dad and I are calling him today. But then there's the question, do I get a regular Macbook or the Macbook Pro? It's only $200 more. But I want a case to make sure it doesn't get scratched, and that's another $50. A keyboard cover would be great so my keys don't get dirty and covered in dust/food like my crappy Dell has, but that's another $25 or so.

Of course I always have stupid reasons to justify why I "need" these things. I need a new camera to take pictures of Roy, for California, and because the one I have now doesn't hold battery life (really it doesn't! it sucks battery life!) is really old (seriously old Fuji model) and isn't a point and shoot. I just found a really good discount on a camera I want that would only cost $90. But I literally cannot justify spending that on MYSELF during Christmas time! It's ridiculous. Maybe I'll send the link to bf and he could get it for me.

This was a stupid superficial rant. Lame. I'm mad at myself now.

apple.

The idea of getting a macbook makes me absolutely giddy. My cousin works for apple and is able to give me a helpful discount. Of course I'd love it as a Christmas present but ya know I have zero patience. I'm ready to get it now, and even pay for it myself! Sometimes I think I get too excited over material things. I feel like kind of a sad person in that respect.

sadness

I spent most of my college years being pretty depressed and unhappy. Even when I felt like I belonged I knew i always pushed myself to the outside. I'm still feeling depressed and stressed with work (maybe not quite as badly yet) and with class starting next month it's not going to get much better. I need to start getting into a routine and getting to know myself as a person. Once I see my physical therapist this week I really want to work something out so I'll be able to make yoga practice a regular thing for me. As a person who suffers from anxiety disorders and depression I need to get that kind of focus in my life. When I read about it feels like what I'm missing. I just want to stop feeling sad.

awful morning. but not this morning!

Well technically Tuesday and Wednesday mornings were horrible. Tuesday night wasn't very good either, leaving me with little sleep missing my first class Wednesday mornings because I was curled up in a ball crying over not sleeping.
And over the horrible Program Director of the Graduate Program at work. She's such a bitch, I almost wanted to quit over her. But then I thought of Legally Blonde, where Elle was told not to give up just because her lawyer/teacher hit on her. I can't let this woman force me into giving up, even if it means I'm going to graduate late because she's a cunt bag.

not a huge fail.

So two pizzas of cheese pizza and an extra helping of jubliee roll did me in sunday night, but usually I splurge a lot worse and for more of the weekend, so I'm not too disappointed.
Woke up today feeling extra sad (I don't know why!) and cried in a curled up ball with my cat instead of going to the gym. At least I did my physical therapy today!
As anyone who reads this might notice, I'm trying really hard not to get down on myself.
I'm back to the grind this week, starting with work in an hour in a half. I won't get to catch up on sleep Wednesday mornings anymore, as I have class 10-12. Very disappointing. (I'm stressed just thinking about it). But after this week I get a week of vacation! It comes at an awkward time, I know, because I got whatever vacation weeks were left over (lame) but it's better than nothing!
I'm just a tad worried about having a full week this week, as last week was very easy due to the holiday and hours i got out early. But I've done this before, so I can do it again, I suppose.

success (so far)

so far at the boys' i've managed not to binge eat or order horrible take out, which is a huge accomplishment for me! i know it must sound silly, but i'm going to take a minute and revel in my awesomeness. tonight may be a harder night to resist because the pals are back from being with fam tonight, and some smoking might ensue, which makes for bad decision making.
i did get a burrito from our fave mexican place, but obviously it was veggie, i also got no cheese and sour cream. i know the calories could range between 550-1000 but im trying not to be too worried. i finished it over two hours ago and i still feel stuffed. i must listen to my body!

thanksgiving.

My head feels like such a jumble i can barely get a hold on things. There are so many things I'm worrying about and upset over, but I tried to take some time and meditate to clear my head. Yoga today is out since I fell asleep on the couch last night and have a 'crook' in my neck. Oh, also I think that my belly would weigh me down!

Yesterday the boy and I celebrated our 6 year anniversary. It was just the way we wanted it, beers and dinner at our favorite place wearing our Bruins gear and watching the game. I feel like we have quality time together less and less lately, and having the whole apartment to ourselves last night was a first. Well, of course the pup was there too. I'm so incredibly thankful for him, it makes me tear up thinking about it.

Okay, enough of being cheezy. I need to take a new focus on how I want to live my life, instead of letting living at home dictate how I run myself.

Also, I forgot how annoying the family on this side is with me being a vegetarian. It's been about a year and a half but the jokes and stupid comments don't stop. I feel like if I don't play along things will get uncomfortable, but it's getting old. fast.

Here's to a good night's sleep.

ballet.

a lovely boston.com article brought my attention to open ballet classes at the boston ballet school in newton. i think i would start with a beginner class first as a refresher. but wow, i think i'd really like to go to some. if i have the balls to go alone. which i'm so missing dance i think i might. (yet i won't go back to my old studio. no way.)

i wish i felt like writing in here, as things health wise with some family members are not the best and i'm depressed, and the director of the graduate program is giving me a hard time and depressing me more.

i did some gentle yoga today and it felt nice.

im going to relax and let life be life.

too much time on the computer.

i mean really, i wonder if i would have a real hobby if i wasn't reading loads of blogs and sites. it's recently struck me that most of the time i don't do much of anything with what i read, even if i really like it. what sets me apart from all these wonderful people with delicious food blogs? why am i seemingly incapable of making yummy dishes? there's something holding me back, and i'm not quite sure what it is. ok maybe i do know what it is. i'm not quite sure why i'm so scared about cooking, but it's there holding me back from eating yummy food.

weekending.

it's true that the weekend goes by faster than the work week, isn't it? how extremely frustrating.

i'm really glad i made it to the gym today. feeling really good about exercising during my pms week. it usually makes me feel better if i do it the right way. i already feel the nerves setting in for the work week, and the fact that joely is going to be gone for the weekend which is really bringing me down. it's hard to find something to look forward to now. (is that a bad thing?)
sigh.

i wish i could get creative in the kitchen besides baking monstrosities. l's take on food is something i aspire to have. it's getting harder having dinner at work 4 times a week. no time to enjoy what i'm eating anyways. sucks.

family time

i made it through an estrogen packed family event without ripping out my eyes. i think i deserve a prize.

rhyme = win!

my second major attack

had my second major attack from a student, except this time i was actually putting her in a hold, and she certainly got some heavy kicks and punches on me. it's hard not to hold this against her. but i can't do that.
i'm a little traumatized but my boss was really nice about it. i told her about how i get down on myself and we talked about it. i'm feeling a bit better. i really dont want to do the 8-11am shift tomorrow. i know it's only 3 hours, but it feels like forever after being here since 4pm. almost unbearable.

this has totally caused some stress eating for me. i'm disappointed with myself.

i did go out to eat with joel today at a local restaurant because he stopped home to get his car fixed. it was really nice, since i won't see him tomorrow due to my cousin's baby shower, and him working at night. at least i'll have some girl time with alex tomorrow night.

since i'll be eating out mostly tomorrow, i hope i can really keep myself in check. i've gained 5 pounds this month and it needs to stop there. i'm tired of feeling like a fat slob. i didn't go to the gym all week. i've felt too depressed. this needs to end NOW!

sleep much?

why is it, that when i sleep for4 hours on my overnight (maybe less) and then get another 90mins at home i feel fine sleep wise.

but after sleeping 8 hours in my bed last night i felt insanely tired and slept for another hour. and i still feel super tired! like i can't even drag myself to the gym kind of tired. how lame!

sigh. where's the sense in this.

who knows me best?

i've come to realize that i don't know myself very well, or even as well as i thought i did.

being at home with the parents has forced me to shut myself inward, hiding myself and things my mother labeled 'weak qualities' or 'stupid'. joel tell me to do something i enjoy and relax to take my mind off the fact that i don't feel like i can be 'myself' (whatever that is) at home. i feel like that's all i do. like i'm pushing away learning about myself things that were suffocated mostly by depression and anxiety through four years of college.

when i read books i like i begin to care too much about them and think. re reading the lovely bones has really stirred things within me. i remember reading it in high school and feeling extremely sad in the few days i engrossed myself in it. it consumes most of my thoughts. i feel like this book makes me cry more then books should ... and these reasons may be why im so apprehensive to go searching for a new book i feel this passionate about.

i can't believe the lovely bones is going to be a movie. that's why i re-read it. i won't sleep until it's done now. i'm so close.

back to the big question: who am i?
well, as the nurse at the podiatrist who's been taking care of my stupid feet (or toes rather) for almost a year and a half said, "you're a cancer too. you're insecure, self conscious. always worried about something..." i forget how we got on this topic and when she suddenly felt some comfortable with me that she felt she could make these judgments aloud just because she knows my birthday. i feel like maybe we discussed this months ago. it's as strange as me remembering my favorite hair cut of hers and telling her as we discussed hair styles. she brings a strange calm over me, and as she plainly stated our similarities in personality (dubbed by the stars apparently) i violently nodded yes as she spewed them out.

i'm too eager to please people, and this trait i've only recently discovered of myself. whether friends, co workers, family, sub consciously  i want no one to dislike me (as i struggled so much with in the beginning of high school but since then thought i didn't have a care about). i make compromises i don't even see for people who may not even care that much. i don't argue with people i don't know  well or cause drama or anything of the sort. it's like i'm loosing part of myself in pleasing people, some of which probably don't even care.

the one person i'm trying to please the most that i didn't even realize was my mother. the source i blame for my flawed mentality, on the way i view myself and the world (the old life sucks and then you die motto i lived by has since faded but still feels a part of me) she is the guiding light in why i'm a sped teacher. how proud a mother must be when she says her child has chosen to teach students with special needs. she not traveling the country or the world taking odd jobs and living life freely and open ended as a wistful college grad might want to; she's taken a secure job with a good salary that pays for most of her graduate school so she can work full time and get her second degree and feel financially stable and plan for a life with her long time boyfriend.

when did my life become so structured? was it because of her? and joe? the 13 year old version of myself would be kicking my ass. 22 and living at home. i'd only gone to college barely 30 minutes away from home instead of vowing to leave the state and never look back.

should i be proud of my sensible change of heart or sad for the 13 year old version of myself? can i be both?

joel believes he knows me best, and he does, but this me he doesn't know. i don't think he'll understand but i'll have to explain it to him so he'll use what information he can and figure me out so i won't always have such a big headache.

the trivial things i have to do tomorrow fill me with sadness and anger. physical therapy. the gym. some light food shopping. an online quiz for work. i don't have work until 4pm and yet i feel like my tuesday is already gone.

oh but look at the time, it's just beginning.

WHEN?

when will i stop being a douche bag and actually start taking care of myself the way that i actually want to? why do i crave crappy food? what is it deep inside me that tears away at all the sense in my head about my food choices? how is it so strong and able to take such a hold on me? i need to be more aware of myself. more in tune with myself.

how embarassing.

the way i instigate getting junk food when i'm in the city for the weekend is ridiculous! i've been doing well for a few weeks, and i feel like this always happens...i crash.

it's not like i deprive myself of anything, i definitely want to live by the everything in moderation rule.
yet i'm obsessed with healthy eating blogs / vegan food and exercising stuff and i don't follow through! i have about 10 windows open on mozilla about food/health/stress/exercising.
i can't keep loosing the same 5 pounds and gaining it back, i need to find a healthier way to maintain my weight (then maybe loose another 5 pounds).

maybe a new motivator can be looking food for the trip to california.
                                                                   ^^^ i typed FOOD instead of GOOD. can we tell where my mind's at?? oh my goodness gracious.

damn reeses

well i can't really 'damn' them, when i'm the one that made the mistake. i just had 8 of them. i don't know why. i feel gross. i still tracked it though. yuck me.

here we go!

i am beginning my first week of the rest of my life. (well, through August.)

this is my work schedule, it's weird, but i'm going to have to get used to it! i feel like if i can just make it through wednesday, thursday/friday/saturday won't be so bad.

i need to start making my posts more optimistic. need to stop getting down on myself.

also, i can't believe it's less than one month until my boo and i's 6 year anniversary. 6 years! i can hardly believe it myself.

sometimes i think i start my sentences with 'i' too much. maybe i should stop being so lazy and capitalize it. hmmm...

I can do this week! I am capable of this. The more I'm positive about it, the better it will be!

I thought I was going to have a bad migraine (what an awful way to start the work week) but I wished it away with positivity! (even when it felt like it was getting worse AFTER I took medicine!)

Gooooooo me! I will beat this week, like I have every other week so far!

rainy saturday

there's nothing like curling up with a cup of tea, my kitty, and some great blogs on a rainy saturday morning. yet i'm still having trouble feeling calm.

i made it through a hectic week, and i'm really proud of myself. especially since i'm prone to some major mood swings during this time of the month, and i haven't been *too* bad.

real schedule. real life. .. . ahoy!

it's coming. the way my life is going to be for the rest of the year.... or at least until august.

i'm ready for my set schedule, even if it blows. even if it's nights. i'm ready to get on with my life. to take a vacation in california, consider moving, and other things.

i will get over my back problem and do my pt. i will take care of myself, eat right and exercise and sleep!

please let me be able to do this.

afraid to sleep.

i'm too nervous to go to sleep and start the day tomorrow.
why are my physical symptoms so scary right now?
i mean, yes, i've been through training and everything...but i had last week to get used to stuff, not including the 1 1/2 days i was training other random things.
i don't know why i feel so awful! i haven't felt this bad recently about work! really!
i just want it to go away.
i know i'll get the hang of things, i just need to calm down.
SO.
god damnit things will be okay.

well maybe i'm just more worried now because i passed the physical training and might have to be in charge of something?
or the fact that i had an intense back spasm out of no where last week (though rightlfuly so after calm p) and spent friday incredibly sore?

you can do this. please just be okay. please.

oh god, i'm going to cry.

maybe this is because i'm getting my period this week? no wonder my face is so broken out.
ahhhhhhhhhhhh :(

7 pounds

the

craziest

movie

ever.

down down down

that's how i feel. really down. like i can't concentrate. i just want to curl up in bed and watch big daddy.

crying

how quickly i can get depressed...and start crying over next to nothing.

i feel like he doesn't care about seeing me.

i wish he could take better care of himself.

ideals.

if i'm using the term correctly, which i don't care because i'm the only one that reads this, i sick and tired of not following through with my ideals.

i need to stop binge eating, and eating unhealthy food. i can't just change my morals for two day out of the week...i ate 4 pieces of pizza last night at work. i don't even like pizza! (that much!)


how do i keep my motivation up? the dozens of healthy eating/vegan/veggie/earth-saving blogs i read/have bookmarked?

stop being a douche bag!! you're better than this!

18 hour day cut short.

so glad liz and i got to leave early from work, not having to sleep over! we totally lucked out. but we can tell one of our bosses, which makes me feel bad. if she asks how it went i dont want to have to lie to her, because shes super nice (even if she made a mistake on our schedule.)

all my day time hours are a little intimidating. after i go for a walk while mom & dad are at church, i hope to shower and get some stuff done. maybe also i'll show mom my wal-mart list and she'll want to come with me. i want to read a book too, looks like i'll have time to do that on shift on overnights... (but soon i'll just do homework at that time if i get accepted to the grad program! ;) )

i'm really glad that liz is with me and i don't have to go through this alone. i feel like i'd be a lot more quiet ... or something.

i win!

i win. i can work. hr can suck it! haha!

going to the residence, even though it was just for an hour or so, was really interesting. i am going to be spending most of my time there and i felt like until now i was the only person who hadn't been to a residence at all.

i need to start planning things to do on my non-work time that do not consist of television. i am falling into the veg-out/boob-tube/computer junkie trap. it's not healthy.

tomorrow i want to make the black bean hummus recipe i found on spark people, so i can eat it with the left over toasted pita chips we have. and i can't wait to watch glee.

i dumped my upset feelings on one of my best friends last night, and it's something i rarely do. it makes me feel so guilty. but i needed to vent, and even though it was just a fb message it really put things in perspective for me.

worries...but i'm not alone

i feel like an emotional yo-yo when it comes to this job.

one minute i think it's amazing and i want to do everything i can for it...

the next i'm overwhelmed, ready to vomit and cry wondering if i can really do this.

i was so glad to learn that my coworker feels the exact same way as me.

i'm so relieved. but still incredibly nervous. does that make sense?

i haven't done much of anything since i got home besides set up e-mail, timesheets, health insurance, and set up everything to apply to grad school. well i guess that's quite a bit, but i did nothing in terms of reviewing student guidelines.

i think i'll do a little now.

another goal.

only check facebook three times tomorrow, i dare you!

short weekends.

it wasn't one time wise, but they always feel like they are.

i feel like i wasted today with my worries and doing work... though that second part isn't so wasteful.

tomorrow i need to get my simmons stuff together, then i can sign up for health insurance.

and continue my notebook of student info.

ONE DAY AT A TIME.

you can do this. other people have had to overcome greater obstacles than you to accomplish things, so if they can do that, i can do this!

ow.

wtf was with today.

i knew i was going to hurt myself on that hold. cant believe i knocked my joint out...im in so much pain. but at least i got to see terri and she put me back in place... and now im wearing two braces...oh god.

i hope i dont get screwed over again
im so nervous.
SHIT.

what a stupid fight

i hate fights
especially stupid ones

i feel like we're having trouble talking
but you would probably disagree

popcorn makes me feel better for a little while

new phone or not?

to buy a new phone, or to not buy a new phone. that is the question.

i just got the biggest paycheck i've ever gotten in my life, for working 1 1/2 weeks. i could afford to drop $300 on a new phone...sort of.

logic always gets the best of me.

3 in 21 chance

and i'm working with girls. it's sick and twisted how things work out for me, even when i feel i don't deserve things.

i'm getting my period this week and after visiting my grandparents i just feel like i've been hit with a wall of sadness. ouch pms, give me a break would you?

physical training is these next three days and i can't mess things up or i'm out of a job!

the week is over, the weekend is here.

so glad i'm moved to a smaller group of kids at work, and a better (one) location. things are working out and part of me can hardly believe it.

i am beyond excited to go apple picking today. too bad we can't bring the dog, that kind of stinks.

i can't believe i curbed my hunger for so long yesterday besides my smoking. stupid restaurant meals that are 520 calories and don't fill me up... but at least i kind of planned well.

could i move out by october 1st? thats a week and a half...

or am i too scared? : /

of hurting my parents. of living on my own. too much to think about. just be happy.

no walk.

i cannot force myself to go for a walk. i cracked my back the wrong way and i'm having some muscle spasms...

i love fall. it's my favorite season. i want to put on a sweatshirt and a scarf (even though it may be too warm for that) pick up m, smoke and drive around with some hot tea.

also too chicken shit to talk to mom about insurance, or to call the place. will call tomorrow before PT so i don't show up looking like an asshole.

watched 3 great movies: pineapple express (well, that's just ok)..gigantic...(wicked interesting) and nick and nora's infinite playlist (cheesy but better than i thought it would be).

a more perfect job?

just found an even more perfect job on craigs list. like, awesome. location, job type, pay everything is fabulous. i just sent everything in. i want it. sooooo bad.

i went to PT, cried to my therapist, literally. cried. because of that stupid email from work. i am so lame. she's helping me figure out insurance though and wants me to bring in my resume tomorrow so she can give it to people and help me get a more low-impact job. she's so sweet.

i ironed.

so i could totally go for a walk, and vaccum my car. also i want to call my insurance company about what's going on with me....hmmm.

i still kind of want to cry. because i really want this other job so badly....and i know i'll have to wait a couple weeks before i hear back if they want to see me. i kind of want to go in and also hand in my resume personally, but the craigs list ad said no phone calls about the job, so i doubt coming in personally would really be the best move...though that's what kinda got me the job i have now.

i'm so torn!

just want to know what's going on with my life!

:(

todays goals

go to physical therapy
go for a walk (if she says it's ok)
vaccum my car
iron clothes

WTF

just got an email from the woman who hired me, not the woman who's been dealing with my injury stuff. i got another 'start date email' which says i'm the float teacher for 2 of the groups i was just in, instead of the 3. wtf does this mean? i'm just doing 2 groups now? this guys are still bigger than me....i'm so pissed off! i want another job!

still hungry.

why is it that even though i have a big filling dinner, i'm still hungry and craving something an hour later? i hate that feeling, after i just eat a meal, that i still want to eat more. i don't understand, it's not like a ate a trigger food or anything. (did i?)
corn, beets, broccoli, onion, boca burger, potatoes.
seriously, shouldn't that be enough to fill a girl up? i did an hour ago...

bridesmaid time is over

i can't believe one of my best friend's wedding is over. during my time off from work it's all i've been looking forward to and now i just have until next monday to squander my time.

i hate myself for doing mostly nothing on my time off, although i haven't been able to move around for a lot of it. i don't like being lazy and yet when i'm lazy....i'm LAZY.

this morning i hadn't set an alarm because i wanted to see what time i would wake up on my own, (which is usually between 7-9). i woke up at 11:22. i've have a pestering headache all day that began last night but i just ignored.

well, i haven't even washed up or anything today. a true testament to my laziness. i want wed-fri to be more productive.

i am the person who decides whether or not i like my life and i need to stay positive about things...

i've had the hiccups twice today. i think a tree just fell down in the forest in the backyard.

must make a commitment to take better care of my hip and eat right. staying healthy will keep me feeling better.

a pain filled day.

the PT, though it obviously helped a lot, was pretty painful at times.

getting a needle stabbed 3 times in my toe was an unexpected part of my day.

and then being humiliated and degraded by my boyfriend to top it all off. (at least he apologized. no one else did).

so, clearly i need to get back on the 'taking care of myself' wagon.
i read so many blogs and sites about healthy eating, and yet my moods and the PMS monster have made me abandon all my morals and the hard work i've put into myself. it's a shame.

granted i can't work out right now due to my condition, but i don't understand why i'm not as committed to healthy eating as a once was.

HELLO: EATING FOOD DOES NOT MAKE YOUR PROBLEMS GO AWAY, AND IT DOESN'T MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER!

if you're not doing it (eating) the right way, then you'll just get fat. and that's the last thing i need right now...for my condition, for being a bridesmaid in a few weeks...the last thing i need is to gain weight after i've dropped so much. this has got to stop.

how is it that i'm exhausted today, as if i went to work, but besides being poked and stretched  out i've done mostly nothing?

get it together, girl. for your sanity and your health. you can do this.

opening a new page.

What does one do, when they need to start their life over?

How do you decide what 'the job for you' is?

Well. Now that I have time off from a job I've spent a week and a half training at, the job that's supposed to turn into my career, I need to heal up and think about how I'm going to tackle my new life.

So while I put details of my life into the ever-evolving space that is "the internet"...maybe some people will glaze their eyes over it. Or maybe it'll just be me.