making myself post.

I'm going to force myself to post on this right now even though I really don't want to, and I don't even want to admit how I'm feeling right now.
Bottom line: I need to seek mental health guidance again. I think I've put off this search for too long since graduation, as I knew it could be a long and awkward one. But I simply cannot let myself slip any further. It's unacceptable to be living life the way I do. I have so many loving people in my life and more than enough material things to keep me busy. Too much of my life is spent ignoring things that are happening, I'm too busy trying to escape. Who wants to live like that? Everything is passing me by and nothing has even happened yet. How do I move beyond this point?

:(

feeling very down.

living simply.

I'm finding it so hard to live simply with all these new technological advances that bring us insane gadgets. I always want whatever the 'new thing' is and never get it. Like an Iphone, or a new digital camera or a Wii. Or the palm pilot I barely use. Or the keyboard piano I barely use.

I feel like I'm getting obsessed with material things a bit even though I know just because I get it doesn't mean it will fix all my problems! After ordering a new purse and wallet (that I got for a deal, mind you and I needed something new!) I thought I'd feel better about...whatever it is that's getting me down. Of course I don't feel any better! I feel stupid is more like it.

I am quite sure I'm getting a Macbook through my wonderful cousin who works for Apple. Dad and I are calling him today. But then there's the question, do I get a regular Macbook or the Macbook Pro? It's only $200 more. But I want a case to make sure it doesn't get scratched, and that's another $50. A keyboard cover would be great so my keys don't get dirty and covered in dust/food like my crappy Dell has, but that's another $25 or so.

Of course I always have stupid reasons to justify why I "need" these things. I need a new camera to take pictures of Roy, for California, and because the one I have now doesn't hold battery life (really it doesn't! it sucks battery life!) is really old (seriously old Fuji model) and isn't a point and shoot. I just found a really good discount on a camera I want that would only cost $90. But I literally cannot justify spending that on MYSELF during Christmas time! It's ridiculous. Maybe I'll send the link to bf and he could get it for me.

This was a stupid superficial rant. Lame. I'm mad at myself now.

apple.

The idea of getting a macbook makes me absolutely giddy. My cousin works for apple and is able to give me a helpful discount. Of course I'd love it as a Christmas present but ya know I have zero patience. I'm ready to get it now, and even pay for it myself! Sometimes I think I get too excited over material things. I feel like kind of a sad person in that respect.

sadness

I spent most of my college years being pretty depressed and unhappy. Even when I felt like I belonged I knew i always pushed myself to the outside. I'm still feeling depressed and stressed with work (maybe not quite as badly yet) and with class starting next month it's not going to get much better. I need to start getting into a routine and getting to know myself as a person. Once I see my physical therapist this week I really want to work something out so I'll be able to make yoga practice a regular thing for me. As a person who suffers from anxiety disorders and depression I need to get that kind of focus in my life. When I read about it feels like what I'm missing. I just want to stop feeling sad.

awful morning. but not this morning!

Well technically Tuesday and Wednesday mornings were horrible. Tuesday night wasn't very good either, leaving me with little sleep missing my first class Wednesday mornings because I was curled up in a ball crying over not sleeping.
And over the horrible Program Director of the Graduate Program at work. She's such a bitch, I almost wanted to quit over her. But then I thought of Legally Blonde, where Elle was told not to give up just because her lawyer/teacher hit on her. I can't let this woman force me into giving up, even if it means I'm going to graduate late because she's a cunt bag.

not a huge fail.

So two pizzas of cheese pizza and an extra helping of jubliee roll did me in sunday night, but usually I splurge a lot worse and for more of the weekend, so I'm not too disappointed.
Woke up today feeling extra sad (I don't know why!) and cried in a curled up ball with my cat instead of going to the gym. At least I did my physical therapy today!
As anyone who reads this might notice, I'm trying really hard not to get down on myself.
I'm back to the grind this week, starting with work in an hour in a half. I won't get to catch up on sleep Wednesday mornings anymore, as I have class 10-12. Very disappointing. (I'm stressed just thinking about it). But after this week I get a week of vacation! It comes at an awkward time, I know, because I got whatever vacation weeks were left over (lame) but it's better than nothing!
I'm just a tad worried about having a full week this week, as last week was very easy due to the holiday and hours i got out early. But I've done this before, so I can do it again, I suppose.