making myself post.

I'm going to force myself to post on this right now even though I really don't want to, and I don't even want to admit how I'm feeling right now.
Bottom line: I need to seek mental health guidance again. I think I've put off this search for too long since graduation, as I knew it could be a long and awkward one. But I simply cannot let myself slip any further. It's unacceptable to be living life the way I do. I have so many loving people in my life and more than enough material things to keep me busy. Too much of my life is spent ignoring things that are happening, I'm too busy trying to escape. Who wants to live like that? Everything is passing me by and nothing has even happened yet. How do I move beyond this point?

:(

feeling very down.

living simply.

I'm finding it so hard to live simply with all these new technological advances that bring us insane gadgets. I always want whatever the 'new thing' is and never get it. Like an Iphone, or a new digital camera or a Wii. Or the palm pilot I barely use. Or the keyboard piano I barely use.

I feel like I'm getting obsessed with material things a bit even though I know just because I get it doesn't mean it will fix all my problems! After ordering a new purse and wallet (that I got for a deal, mind you and I needed something new!) I thought I'd feel better about...whatever it is that's getting me down. Of course I don't feel any better! I feel stupid is more like it.

I am quite sure I'm getting a Macbook through my wonderful cousin who works for Apple. Dad and I are calling him today. But then there's the question, do I get a regular Macbook or the Macbook Pro? It's only $200 more. But I want a case to make sure it doesn't get scratched, and that's another $50. A keyboard cover would be great so my keys don't get dirty and covered in dust/food like my crappy Dell has, but that's another $25 or so.

Of course I always have stupid reasons to justify why I "need" these things. I need a new camera to take pictures of Roy, for California, and because the one I have now doesn't hold battery life (really it doesn't! it sucks battery life!) is really old (seriously old Fuji model) and isn't a point and shoot. I just found a really good discount on a camera I want that would only cost $90. But I literally cannot justify spending that on MYSELF during Christmas time! It's ridiculous. Maybe I'll send the link to bf and he could get it for me.

This was a stupid superficial rant. Lame. I'm mad at myself now.

apple.

The idea of getting a macbook makes me absolutely giddy. My cousin works for apple and is able to give me a helpful discount. Of course I'd love it as a Christmas present but ya know I have zero patience. I'm ready to get it now, and even pay for it myself! Sometimes I think I get too excited over material things. I feel like kind of a sad person in that respect.

sadness

I spent most of my college years being pretty depressed and unhappy. Even when I felt like I belonged I knew i always pushed myself to the outside. I'm still feeling depressed and stressed with work (maybe not quite as badly yet) and with class starting next month it's not going to get much better. I need to start getting into a routine and getting to know myself as a person. Once I see my physical therapist this week I really want to work something out so I'll be able to make yoga practice a regular thing for me. As a person who suffers from anxiety disorders and depression I need to get that kind of focus in my life. When I read about it feels like what I'm missing. I just want to stop feeling sad.