so far at the boys' i've managed not to binge eat or order horrible take out, which is a huge accomplishment for me! i know it must sound silly, but i'm going to take a minute and revel in my awesomeness. tonight may be a harder night to resist because the pals are back from being with fam tonight, and some smoking might ensue, which makes for bad decision making.
i did get a burrito from our fave mexican place, but obviously it was veggie, i also got no cheese and sour cream. i know the calories could range between 550-1000 but im trying not to be too worried. i finished it over two hours ago and i still feel stuffed. i must listen to my body!
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Thursday, November 26, 2009
thanksgiving.
My head feels like such a jumble i can barely get a hold on things. There are so many things I'm worrying about and upset over, but I tried to take some time and meditate to clear my head. Yoga today is out since I fell asleep on the couch last night and have a 'crook' in my neck. Oh, also I think that my belly would weigh me down!
Yesterday the boy and I celebrated our 6 year anniversary. It was just the way we wanted it, beers and dinner at our favorite place wearing our Bruins gear and watching the game. I feel like we have quality time together less and less lately, and having the whole apartment to ourselves last night was a first. Well, of course the pup was there too. I'm so incredibly thankful for him, it makes me tear up thinking about it.
Okay, enough of being cheezy. I need to take a new focus on how I want to live my life, instead of letting living at home dictate how I run myself.
Also, I forgot how annoying the family on this side is with me being a vegetarian. It's been about a year and a half but the jokes and stupid comments don't stop. I feel like if I don't play along things will get uncomfortable, but it's getting old. fast.
Here's to a good night's sleep.
Yesterday the boy and I celebrated our 6 year anniversary. It was just the way we wanted it, beers and dinner at our favorite place wearing our Bruins gear and watching the game. I feel like we have quality time together less and less lately, and having the whole apartment to ourselves last night was a first. Well, of course the pup was there too. I'm so incredibly thankful for him, it makes me tear up thinking about it.
Okay, enough of being cheezy. I need to take a new focus on how I want to live my life, instead of letting living at home dictate how I run myself.
Also, I forgot how annoying the family on this side is with me being a vegetarian. It's been about a year and a half but the jokes and stupid comments don't stop. I feel like if I don't play along things will get uncomfortable, but it's getting old. fast.
Here's to a good night's sleep.
Monday, November 23, 2009
ballet.
a lovely boston.com article brought my attention to open ballet classes at the boston ballet school in newton. i think i would start with a beginner class first as a refresher. but wow, i think i'd really like to go to some. if i have the balls to go alone. which i'm so missing dance i think i might. (yet i won't go back to my old studio. no way.)
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
too much time on the computer.
i mean really, i wonder if i would have a real hobby if i wasn't reading loads of blogs and sites. it's recently struck me that most of the time i don't do much of anything with what i read, even if i really like it. what sets me apart from all these wonderful people with delicious food blogs? why am i seemingly incapable of making yummy dishes? there's something holding me back, and i'm not quite sure what it is. ok maybe i do know what it is. i'm not quite sure why i'm so scared about cooking, but it's there holding me back from eating yummy food.
weekending.
it's true that the weekend goes by faster than the work week, isn't it? how extremely frustrating.
i'm really glad i made it to the gym today. feeling really good about exercising during my pms week. it usually makes me feel better if i do it the right way. i already feel the nerves setting in for the work week, and the fact that joely is going to be gone for the weekend which is really bringing me down. it's hard to find something to look forward to now. (is that a bad thing?)
sigh.
i wish i could get creative in the kitchen besides baking monstrosities. l's take on food is something i aspire to have. it's getting harder having dinner at work 4 times a week. no time to enjoy what i'm eating anyways. sucks.
i'm really glad i made it to the gym today. feeling really good about exercising during my pms week. it usually makes me feel better if i do it the right way. i already feel the nerves setting in for the work week, and the fact that joely is going to be gone for the weekend which is really bringing me down. it's hard to find something to look forward to now. (is that a bad thing?)
sigh.
i wish i could get creative in the kitchen besides baking monstrosities. l's take on food is something i aspire to have. it's getting harder having dinner at work 4 times a week. no time to enjoy what i'm eating anyways. sucks.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
family time
i made it through an estrogen packed family event without ripping out my eyes. i think i deserve a prize.
rhyme = win!
rhyme = win!
Friday, November 13, 2009
my second major attack
had my second major attack from a student, except this time i was actually putting her in a hold, and she certainly got some heavy kicks and punches on me. it's hard not to hold this against her. but i can't do that.
i'm a little traumatized but my boss was really nice about it. i told her about how i get down on myself and we talked about it. i'm feeling a bit better. i really dont want to do the 8-11am shift tomorrow. i know it's only 3 hours, but it feels like forever after being here since 4pm. almost unbearable.
this has totally caused some stress eating for me. i'm disappointed with myself.
i did go out to eat with joel today at a local restaurant because he stopped home to get his car fixed. it was really nice, since i won't see him tomorrow due to my cousin's baby shower, and him working at night. at least i'll have some girl time with alex tomorrow night.
since i'll be eating out mostly tomorrow, i hope i can really keep myself in check. i've gained 5 pounds this month and it needs to stop there. i'm tired of feeling like a fat slob. i didn't go to the gym all week. i've felt too depressed. this needs to end NOW!
i'm a little traumatized but my boss was really nice about it. i told her about how i get down on myself and we talked about it. i'm feeling a bit better. i really dont want to do the 8-11am shift tomorrow. i know it's only 3 hours, but it feels like forever after being here since 4pm. almost unbearable.
this has totally caused some stress eating for me. i'm disappointed with myself.
i did go out to eat with joel today at a local restaurant because he stopped home to get his car fixed. it was really nice, since i won't see him tomorrow due to my cousin's baby shower, and him working at night. at least i'll have some girl time with alex tomorrow night.
since i'll be eating out mostly tomorrow, i hope i can really keep myself in check. i've gained 5 pounds this month and it needs to stop there. i'm tired of feeling like a fat slob. i didn't go to the gym all week. i've felt too depressed. this needs to end NOW!
Thursday, November 12, 2009
sleep much?
why is it, that when i sleep for4 hours on my overnight (maybe less) and then get another 90mins at home i feel fine sleep wise.
but after sleeping 8 hours in my bed last night i felt insanely tired and slept for another hour. and i still feel super tired! like i can't even drag myself to the gym kind of tired. how lame!
sigh. where's the sense in this.
but after sleeping 8 hours in my bed last night i felt insanely tired and slept for another hour. and i still feel super tired! like i can't even drag myself to the gym kind of tired. how lame!
sigh. where's the sense in this.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
who knows me best?
i've come to realize that i don't know myself very well, or even as well as i thought i did.
being at home with the parents has forced me to shut myself inward, hiding myself and things my mother labeled 'weak qualities' or 'stupid'. joel tell me to do something i enjoy and relax to take my mind off the fact that i don't feel like i can be 'myself' (whatever that is) at home. i feel like that's all i do. like i'm pushing away learning about myself things that were suffocated mostly by depression and anxiety through four years of college.
when i read books i like i begin to care too much about them and think. re reading the lovely bones has really stirred things within me. i remember reading it in high school and feeling extremely sad in the few days i engrossed myself in it. it consumes most of my thoughts. i feel like this book makes me cry more then books should ... and these reasons may be why im so apprehensive to go searching for a new book i feel this passionate about.
i can't believe the lovely bones is going to be a movie. that's why i re-read it. i won't sleep until it's done now. i'm so close.
back to the big question: who am i?
well, as the nurse at the podiatrist who's been taking care of my stupid feet (or toes rather) for almost a year and a half said, "you're a cancer too. you're insecure, self conscious. always worried about something..." i forget how we got on this topic and when she suddenly felt some comfortable with me that she felt she could make these judgments aloud just because she knows my birthday. i feel like maybe we discussed this months ago. it's as strange as me remembering my favorite hair cut of hers and telling her as we discussed hair styles. she brings a strange calm over me, and as she plainly stated our similarities in personality (dubbed by the stars apparently) i violently nodded yes as she spewed them out.
i'm too eager to please people, and this trait i've only recently discovered of myself. whether friends, co workers, family, sub consciously i want no one to dislike me (as i struggled so much with in the beginning of high school but since then thought i didn't have a care about). i make compromises i don't even see for people who may not even care that much. i don't argue with people i don't know well or cause drama or anything of the sort. it's like i'm loosing part of myself in pleasing people, some of which probably don't even care.
the one person i'm trying to please the most that i didn't even realize was my mother. the source i blame for my flawed mentality, on the way i view myself and the world (the old life sucks and then you die motto i lived by has since faded but still feels a part of me) she is the guiding light in why i'm a sped teacher. how proud a mother must be when she says her child has chosen to teach students with special needs. she not traveling the country or the world taking odd jobs and living life freely and open ended as a wistful college grad might want to; she's taken a secure job with a good salary that pays for most of her graduate school so she can work full time and get her second degree and feel financially stable and plan for a life with her long time boyfriend.
when did my life become so structured? was it because of her? and joe? the 13 year old version of myself would be kicking my ass. 22 and living at home. i'd only gone to college barely 30 minutes away from home instead of vowing to leave the state and never look back.
should i be proud of my sensible change of heart or sad for the 13 year old version of myself? can i be both?
joel believes he knows me best, and he does, but this me he doesn't know. i don't think he'll understand but i'll have to explain it to him so he'll use what information he can and figure me out so i won't always have such a big headache.
the trivial things i have to do tomorrow fill me with sadness and anger. physical therapy. the gym. some light food shopping. an online quiz for work. i don't have work until 4pm and yet i feel like my tuesday is already gone.
oh but look at the time, it's just beginning.
being at home with the parents has forced me to shut myself inward, hiding myself and things my mother labeled 'weak qualities' or 'stupid'. joel tell me to do something i enjoy and relax to take my mind off the fact that i don't feel like i can be 'myself' (whatever that is) at home. i feel like that's all i do. like i'm pushing away learning about myself things that were suffocated mostly by depression and anxiety through four years of college.
when i read books i like i begin to care too much about them and think. re reading the lovely bones has really stirred things within me. i remember reading it in high school and feeling extremely sad in the few days i engrossed myself in it. it consumes most of my thoughts. i feel like this book makes me cry more then books should ... and these reasons may be why im so apprehensive to go searching for a new book i feel this passionate about.
i can't believe the lovely bones is going to be a movie. that's why i re-read it. i won't sleep until it's done now. i'm so close.
back to the big question: who am i?
well, as the nurse at the podiatrist who's been taking care of my stupid feet (or toes rather) for almost a year and a half said, "you're a cancer too. you're insecure, self conscious. always worried about something..." i forget how we got on this topic and when she suddenly felt some comfortable with me that she felt she could make these judgments aloud just because she knows my birthday. i feel like maybe we discussed this months ago. it's as strange as me remembering my favorite hair cut of hers and telling her as we discussed hair styles. she brings a strange calm over me, and as she plainly stated our similarities in personality (dubbed by the stars apparently) i violently nodded yes as she spewed them out.
i'm too eager to please people, and this trait i've only recently discovered of myself. whether friends, co workers, family, sub consciously i want no one to dislike me (as i struggled so much with in the beginning of high school but since then thought i didn't have a care about). i make compromises i don't even see for people who may not even care that much. i don't argue with people i don't know well or cause drama or anything of the sort. it's like i'm loosing part of myself in pleasing people, some of which probably don't even care.
the one person i'm trying to please the most that i didn't even realize was my mother. the source i blame for my flawed mentality, on the way i view myself and the world (the old life sucks and then you die motto i lived by has since faded but still feels a part of me) she is the guiding light in why i'm a sped teacher. how proud a mother must be when she says her child has chosen to teach students with special needs. she not traveling the country or the world taking odd jobs and living life freely and open ended as a wistful college grad might want to; she's taken a secure job with a good salary that pays for most of her graduate school so she can work full time and get her second degree and feel financially stable and plan for a life with her long time boyfriend.
when did my life become so structured? was it because of her? and joe? the 13 year old version of myself would be kicking my ass. 22 and living at home. i'd only gone to college barely 30 minutes away from home instead of vowing to leave the state and never look back.
should i be proud of my sensible change of heart or sad for the 13 year old version of myself? can i be both?
joel believes he knows me best, and he does, but this me he doesn't know. i don't think he'll understand but i'll have to explain it to him so he'll use what information he can and figure me out so i won't always have such a big headache.
the trivial things i have to do tomorrow fill me with sadness and anger. physical therapy. the gym. some light food shopping. an online quiz for work. i don't have work until 4pm and yet i feel like my tuesday is already gone.
oh but look at the time, it's just beginning.
Monday, November 9, 2009
WHEN?
when will i stop being a douche bag and actually start taking care of myself the way that i actually want to? why do i crave crappy food? what is it deep inside me that tears away at all the sense in my head about my food choices? how is it so strong and able to take such a hold on me? i need to be more aware of myself. more in tune with myself.
Monday, November 2, 2009
how embarassing.
the way i instigate getting junk food when i'm in the city for the weekend is ridiculous! i've been doing well for a few weeks, and i feel like this always happens...i crash.
it's not like i deprive myself of anything, i definitely want to live by the everything in moderation rule.
yet i'm obsessed with healthy eating blogs / vegan food and exercising stuff and i don't follow through! i have about 10 windows open on mozilla about food/health/stress/exercising.
i can't keep loosing the same 5 pounds and gaining it back, i need to find a healthier way to maintain my weight (then maybe loose another 5 pounds).
maybe a new motivator can be looking food for the trip to california.
^^^ i typed FOOD instead of GOOD. can we tell where my mind's at?? oh my goodness gracious.
it's not like i deprive myself of anything, i definitely want to live by the everything in moderation rule.
yet i'm obsessed with healthy eating blogs / vegan food and exercising stuff and i don't follow through! i have about 10 windows open on mozilla about food/health/stress/exercising.
i can't keep loosing the same 5 pounds and gaining it back, i need to find a healthier way to maintain my weight (then maybe loose another 5 pounds).
maybe a new motivator can be looking food for the trip to california.
^^^ i typed FOOD instead of GOOD. can we tell where my mind's at?? oh my goodness gracious.
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