who knows me best?

i've come to realize that i don't know myself very well, or even as well as i thought i did.

being at home with the parents has forced me to shut myself inward, hiding myself and things my mother labeled 'weak qualities' or 'stupid'. joel tell me to do something i enjoy and relax to take my mind off the fact that i don't feel like i can be 'myself' (whatever that is) at home. i feel like that's all i do. like i'm pushing away learning about myself things that were suffocated mostly by depression and anxiety through four years of college.

when i read books i like i begin to care too much about them and think. re reading the lovely bones has really stirred things within me. i remember reading it in high school and feeling extremely sad in the few days i engrossed myself in it. it consumes most of my thoughts. i feel like this book makes me cry more then books should ... and these reasons may be why im so apprehensive to go searching for a new book i feel this passionate about.

i can't believe the lovely bones is going to be a movie. that's why i re-read it. i won't sleep until it's done now. i'm so close.

back to the big question: who am i?
well, as the nurse at the podiatrist who's been taking care of my stupid feet (or toes rather) for almost a year and a half said, "you're a cancer too. you're insecure, self conscious. always worried about something..." i forget how we got on this topic and when she suddenly felt some comfortable with me that she felt she could make these judgments aloud just because she knows my birthday. i feel like maybe we discussed this months ago. it's as strange as me remembering my favorite hair cut of hers and telling her as we discussed hair styles. she brings a strange calm over me, and as she plainly stated our similarities in personality (dubbed by the stars apparently) i violently nodded yes as she spewed them out.

i'm too eager to please people, and this trait i've only recently discovered of myself. whether friends, co workers, family, sub consciously  i want no one to dislike me (as i struggled so much with in the beginning of high school but since then thought i didn't have a care about). i make compromises i don't even see for people who may not even care that much. i don't argue with people i don't know  well or cause drama or anything of the sort. it's like i'm loosing part of myself in pleasing people, some of which probably don't even care.

the one person i'm trying to please the most that i didn't even realize was my mother. the source i blame for my flawed mentality, on the way i view myself and the world (the old life sucks and then you die motto i lived by has since faded but still feels a part of me) she is the guiding light in why i'm a sped teacher. how proud a mother must be when she says her child has chosen to teach students with special needs. she not traveling the country or the world taking odd jobs and living life freely and open ended as a wistful college grad might want to; she's taken a secure job with a good salary that pays for most of her graduate school so she can work full time and get her second degree and feel financially stable and plan for a life with her long time boyfriend.

when did my life become so structured? was it because of her? and joe? the 13 year old version of myself would be kicking my ass. 22 and living at home. i'd only gone to college barely 30 minutes away from home instead of vowing to leave the state and never look back.

should i be proud of my sensible change of heart or sad for the 13 year old version of myself? can i be both?

joel believes he knows me best, and he does, but this me he doesn't know. i don't think he'll understand but i'll have to explain it to him so he'll use what information he can and figure me out so i won't always have such a big headache.

the trivial things i have to do tomorrow fill me with sadness and anger. physical therapy. the gym. some light food shopping. an online quiz for work. i don't have work until 4pm and yet i feel like my tuesday is already gone.

oh but look at the time, it's just beginning.